By on Dec 19, 2015 in Family | 3 comments

Tulle everywhere, giggles, laughter, cookie crumbs, coloring books, anticipation and excitement. Last night was the dress rehearsal for the Nutcracker. The very first performance Lexi is in. I think this will be one of many…and Eliza to follow.

There I was in the dressing room silently starting a prayer over these 22 sweet littles, (ANGELS, FLOWERS, SNOWFLAKES) for safety, calmed nerves and clear direction. A call came through for the ANGELS. They are next! – What prayer? Let’s GO girls! ANGELS in a line! Move, move!

The ANGELS performed under bright lights, glowing, in their gowns and glittering halos. Ethereal.

Heading back to the dressing room I proudly lead these ANGELS through the halls.

SNOWFLAKES you are on! AH – That is Lexi!

My job was not to gather the SNOWFLAKES. My job was to gather the ANGELS. SNOWFLAKES was another mother’s job. The other mother was to deliver the SNOWFLAKES to the stage, watch the girls and her daughter, back stage then return them safely to the dressing room.

The other mother was nowhere to be found in this quick call for SNOWFLAKES. I jumped in. I will take the SNOWFLAKES! Halfway to the stage door I spotted the other mother transporting some fallen ANGELS back to the room.

I refused to make eye contact, pretended I did not see her in the hallway where we were the only two of significant height. I scurried the girls through the stage door. I stood stage right, in the dark and watched as Lexi bourreed beautifully through falling snow. Up on tiptoes, hands in air, smile on face. Dazzled. The girls followed the direction of the older SNOW, dashing on and off stage, creating circles around dancers. Breath taking, tear jerking, my heart skipped a beat.

I gathered my amazing SNOWFLAKES after this wondrous performance to escort them back to the dressing room. The other mother stood waiting outside the stage door. YIKES.

I felt horrible.

But I can totally justify my actions:

So much going on, all of this happened (angels and all) in about four minutes. Everything was moving way too fast to stop!

I thought the other mother was gathering more SNOWFLAKES to enter our side of the stage. I was simply waiting for her, wondering where the heck she was.

I couldn’t take my eyes off our SNOWFLAKES! Someone could be clobbered in all the scene changes, costume changes and curtain movement occurring in about 5 feet of dark space.

But the other mother missed what was rightfully hers. I took it I knew what I was doing.

I used to lie about everything. My mother is happy to tell anyone with ears every lie I was ever caught in and my pleading justifications. With love of course! Justification has always been my play. The more I justify the lesser my heart aches. Well, let me rephrase, the louder my justifications are the more powerfully my heart is stifled.

I did not apologize. I should. It was a mean thing to do. I am just so happy to have the vision of Lexi looking out at the audience from my viewpoint stamped in my heart.

Can I have a do over? I could have peeked out the stage door, waved her in, and there we would have watched our daughters together as we do every Wednesday afternoon for class.

Boy, next Wednesday is going to be tense…



  1. I am so guilty of “mama tunnel vision”, I was right there with you, could see myself doing the same thing! I’m bingeing on your posts, haven’t had a chance to read til now. Beautifully written, Erin :)


    December 20, 2015

    • Ha! Yes Shari I love that – Mamma Tunnel Vision! Thank you for reading! Nice chatting with you the other night.

      Erin Blake

      December 20, 2015

  2. Hahaha, that was amazing, hey, sometimes we’re all selfish for our own reasons, never wanna miss out on the best moments in life 😉


    February 13, 2016

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