Looking at my Daughter

I am reading Romans, yes in the Bible, recommended by my hubby. I was familiar with Romans Road and many of the various key passages of the book. (I first heard the term Romans Road, when my daughter brought home a booklet containing the verses, she made at school. Not so long ago.) Slowly reading the book, I love the way it focusses on a relationship with God reflecting in relationships of those I love.

Beginning in Acts there is the amazing story of how Saul was transformed to Paul. Following Acts is Romans, I feel as though that transformation is so fresh and raw. The letter to the Romans contains such a strength forcing the reader to examine their actions and relationships in this world mirroring Paul’s transformation. It is almost like Paul is imploring me to see or become that transformation in my own life.

So I am continually pulled back to this verse, Romans 11:11-12
I say then, have they stumbled that they should fall? Certainly not! But through their fall, to provoke them to jealousy, salvation has come to the Gentiles. Now if their fall is riches for the world and their failure riches for the Gentiles, how much more their fullness!

Paul is referring to Israel’s fall as their rejection of the Gospel which lead to a faster awareness and acceptance of the Gospel among the Gentiles.

God uses everything. “Through their fall,” God was there. God exchanged the hurtful, horrible rejection of His Son, for good. For this good-“salvation has come,” “their fall is riches for the world,” “their failure, riches for the Gentiles.”

My 9 year old daughter and I have hit a bump in the road, as we do on occasion. My daughter knows me better than most and is incredibly sensitive to my moods and stress level. Recently, I would find her running off to her room in tears at odd moments. I chalked this up as an emotional preteen. Until she said to me on two different occasions what made her cry was the way I looked at her. Apparently I was giving her a mean, angry, appalled look… There are times when I give a look and wish to convey these feelings. What was so strange about these occasions was that those were NOT the feelings I wished to convey at all. In fact, I remember just being caught up in my thoughts. I told my husband about it and we just laughed it off as preteen drama with more to come. Time is going on, every now and again she calls me out giving her that look. What I find is the momentary look I give her is a quizzical look. I recognize parts of myself directly in my daughter. I don’t like much of those parts on me. How does it look so beautiful and innocent on my daughter?

I am not comparing myself to an Israelite from biblical times, or perhaps I am. But if God could use their rejection of His Son, for good, He could most certainly use my times of rejection and poor choices for good. All of my choices in life have lead me here; accepting salvation. There have surely been consequences. But “Salvation has come“. Perhaps my “falls” in life are the riches for my “world”. How much more my fullness? I see myself reflecting in my daughter and it isn’t all bad. How much more her fullness as we step forward together in Christ, with out shame, with love, strength and faith. All things I have learned and continue to learn through God’s word. I am taking off this cloak of shame, regret, whatever so I do not shroud my daughter with in it. We make mistakes, I make mistakes, God redeems. The Lord has placed that promise in my heart as I look at my daughter.

Still learning this “blog” thing….

Here I am, living in the south enjoying a nice mild winter. I do believe the seasons should be run quite different. Once the Christmas decorations have been packed away, Spring should begin, days should get significantly longer. At least I am no longer facing the constant possibility of snow, or worse ICE, as I had growing up in northern NJ. I have always journaled. I have such a fondness for writing. I am using this “blog” as a way to hopefully develop some writing skills. (Does the word “blog” always have to be in quotes?) I would like to be more intentional about writing. We will see how it goes… I don’t expect anyone to actually read or comment on what I write. I have a lovely life here and I simply just wonder where this will take me.

My husband…

My husband Buddy, asked me to jot down some ideas on being married to a serial entrepreneur… here goes.

Everything is an opportunity… opportunity to create a new venture,opportunity to fix things, opportunity to make things better- create more opportunity, lost opportunity, wasted opportunity or someone else’s opportunity that if Buddy had the opportunity, he would do better with it. At first encounter with Buddy, it is pretty obvious to feel his drive and ambition. There is always something new going on behind the scenes or a massive triage going on to what needs fixin’.

Some of the more depressing, difficult times in life for Buddy are when everything is running smoothly. Most people tend to enjoy these times of life; kick back, reap some benefit. Theses periods of time drive Buddy up a wall and will typically push him into a tailspin. These tailspins are felt by all those functioning within his inner circle.

I by no means am complaining; simply pointing out the obvious. Life with Buddy is always exciting, never normal, so full of possibility. Buddy is the first to take a “crazy pipe dream” and make it sound promising. If it is your dream and there is enough risk mixed with promise, he will most certainly join with you.

I think he is brilliant. I knew who he was when we wed and I know him and love him more today. I have realized after a few emotionally draining times, I do not have to be all in on some of these ventures/ideas. I do put my foot down here and there but usually pick it back up pretty quickly. I do not want to put my foot down on the wrong venture. One of these days we have to get the 20 million dollar pay off. Right?

Redeemer

Redeem - make amends for; to buy back or pay off; to exchange for money or goods.

Redeemer – one who redeems.

“Reading the bible is like God holding up a mirror.” A pastor visiting our church Sunday planted this thought in my mind.

Starting this blog – (what a silly word that is; all these strange computer words- widget, zillow, zurple) I have gone back to my early dreaded journals/diaries. I wanted to see how I write. I hate going back because most of my history is recorded. For a period of time I only wrote during catastrophes; how dramatic. Some periods of time are nonexistent and then I reappear droning on about how depressed I was or who the current love of my life was pulling me out of my darkness. These pages are full of silly mistakes and decisions of which I continue to feel the repercussions. I would much rather read the writings of a more seasoned author! But this is me and I am determined to dig myself out and dust me off. With out going into extreme detail, I am sure I am not completely alone in looking back at a younger self thinking – How could you be so stupid!By God’s grace alone, is the only way I survived.

I don’t agree with many of the decisions I made in my teens and twenties and have been at times wrought with guilt and shame. I have piled life on top of these issues and pretended I have forgiven/forgotten/deleted/demolished. If so why can’t I look back on these situations with confidence in my heart? With a kindness I would give to another? Reading those journal entries puts me sitting in my old bedroom, my college dorm room, first apartments with a lack of confidence, loneliness, despair. I can just look at the way I wrote and those feelings return. If I let the past go how could it all come back to me so easily?

So frustrated me has been stomping around my life the passed little while. I wrestle with thoughts of how I thought I had changed…but changing my beliefs does not mean I am no longer connected to my past. I am in everyone of those silly decisions I made. They move with me through life. They have brought me here. That is my walk, my path, I don’t have to be ashamed. I can be if I choose to dwell there. I think I did choose to dwell there and shut the door. But God does not speak through shame. As my frustrated me slammed down for my quiet time this morning the Lord placed in from of me

Romans 11:11
I say then, have they stumbled that they should fall? Certainly not! But through their fall, to provoke them to jealousy, salvation has come to the Gentiles.

My stumbles have led me here. Here is where I sit at the feet of Christ who has exchanged my poor decisions for good. So much good there is. I will not dwell in shame. I will allow my REDEEMER to work through me.

Day 1?

Am I on? Just learning here. I see I may have a lot to learn with this. Wow, this is going to be fun!

Hello there…

Hi. My name is Erin. I am a wife and a mother. I enjoy my life; however I seem to have lost myself a bit. Here is my attempt in finding me.